156 times

I was reading Blue Like Jazz for about the 156th time last night when I came across this particular passage:

“When I was young I thought I had forever to figure things out…but I didn’t. I didn’t have long to figure things out. I believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time.”

Wow. I couldn’t shake those words. I kept reading on but I found that I wasn’t really understanding the words I passed through. “but rather have us wasting time” kept replaying over and over in my head.

God had something to say and He wouldn’t let me carry on without knowing that.

How many times have I read this book and how many times have I read that passage…but never have they hit me the way they hit me last night.

I started asking myself...God, are you saying I’ve been wasting time? Honestly, in some areas I think the answer is yes. But I think God had more to say than that. Something much more…something below the surface of the obvious.

What if, I’ve been spending too much time focusing on my sin…focusing on my brokenness and my mistakes…that I’ve missed something He’s been wanting to do in me?

What if, I’ve been wasting my time on things already forgiven?

What if I’m not that same person anymore? Even that person I was just a few months ago? Is that even possible…even believable? Funny thing is, God can change anyone in an instant. I know this. I believe it. So how can I not believe it of myself?

I’ve been tricked. I’ve been fooled, and I’ve spent too much time believing lies.

My time is valuable…not because it is mine but because it is His.



Currently listening to: Bethany Dillon::My Love Hasn’t Grown Cold

mercy

this might be a bit more information than many of you would like to hear...

maybe a little too transparent.
maybe not enough.

my heart was breaking the other night...i couldn't stop it. it was all my fault. it was all my doing. i chose to live that way...to wallow in it...to believe lies when i knew they were empty.

the next morning i got down on my knees and begged God to take it away....to have mercy.
you ask with a pure heart...and you'll receive, right?

so why was i so shocked when my heart didn't hurt at all the next day? i felt just fine. i felt free. maybe it was because the truth finally became clear to me...

maybe it was because i begged for His mercy.

maybe it was because i didn't deserve it but God is so madly in love with me that He granted my plea.

either way...

i'm fine.

i'm just fine...and it feels amazing.

:)


currently listening to::fiction family

i need

i need to believe Jesus at His word

i need to leave this place

i need to live...love...cry...laugh

i really need to laugh

i need MORE of Him...so much more. so, so much more that me doesn't exist anymore. can that happen?

please?

sometimes, i just wish Jesus would come back..but then i get scared because i want to hear "well done..."

sometimes, i'm not quite sure i'll hear that.

i want to hear that more than anything in this world.

my actions communicate something different.

i've never been much of a believer of words. but actions...now actions say it all.


currently listening to :: kim walker | sing my love

psalm 63

O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.



wow...this verse has been popping up in my life off and on for the past two years.

this is both where i am and where i want to be...my soul does thirst for Him and His love is better than life but i'm not earnestly seeking Him...and my lips definitely don't always glorify Him. God, why don't they?


currently listening to:: phil wickham:: you're beautiful

i need rescue.

done.

i could feel my heart begin to harden this week...and for a bit, i allowed it.

sometimes, protecting ourselves is all we know how to do. stop the pain, right? i noticed i started to have a bad attitude towards things that i've always been joyful over. i've always had a hopeful heart and the past couple of days, i've felt defeated.

my life changed a few months ago...when it did, i thought that i'd never go back to being 'me' again. i thought that a piece of me was gone forever.

but i decided today that i'm done with that. i won't allow my heart to be hardened. that's what satan would want. he wants me out of the fight...he wants me distracted...he wants me hopeless. but i'm choosing to fight. and i haven't been. i've made lame attempts to get my life back knowing the whole time it wasn't a true effort.

i don't want to live like this anymore. i was meant for more.

God is my love. God is my life. and i'm going to start acting like it again.



currently listening to: None But Jesus::Hillsong

waiting...

i feel like i'm always waiting...

currently listening to: Wires:: Athlete

a lot to say

last night i couldn't sleep.

there was this restlessness that i couldn't get past. so, i threw brooke fraser in my cd player (yes, some of us still have those...shocking, i know) and i laid on my floor. i started looking through my notebooks...some old and some recent and i realized something about myself...

i have a lot to say.

now, i don't really know if what i have to say is necessarily coherent, collected, or any good but one thing is certain...there's a lot of words written on pages where only my eyes venture.

all this to say what? hmm..not really sure. maybe to hold myself accountable to write more here...not sure many are reading my blog anyway and actually i'm not quite worried about it. because, as great as it feels to write something in a journal that only i'll read, there's something about writing what's on your heart and knowing others are reading it....and deep down you pray that maybe they'll feel you're pain even if you don't come right out and say what it is....



currently listening to: If I Were a Boy :: Beyonce (don't judge...she can sing!)